Most of the people I see for anxiety say something like, "I'd like to feel less anxious," or "I want to get rid of my anxiety." I get it. Anxiety is uncomfortable, and when it gets really high, it can feel like you're about to lose control. It can also make important parts of life harder, like work or time with friends.
Here's the thing, though: trying to get rid of anxiety for good is a losing battle. That may sound hopeless, but it isn't. There's another way to approach it.
Anxiety isn't the problem — the struggle with it is
If you take anxiety at face value, without judging it or adding meaning to it, it's usually pretty tolerable. It's uncomfortable, and it's not the feeling any of us would choose, but on its own it isn't dangerous.
Anxiety becomes a real problem when you start treating it as a sign of danger. Once you see it as something bad, you start fighting it.
And fighting it brings more distress. You might start to feel hopeless, because no matter what you do, the anxiety keeps coming back. You might feel ashamed that you can't make it go away in social situations, even though you're trying so hard.
The quicksand problem
Think about quicksand. The more you struggle, the faster you sink. The way to stop sinking is to lie back, spread out your arms and legs, and float on the surface. It goes against every instinct, but it's what works.
Accepting anxiety can feel just as backwards. Letting it be there may not "feel right" at first, and you may feel uneasy about not doing something about it. That's because dropping the struggle is outside your comfort zone. Any time you let go of your usual way of coping and try something different, it feels uncertain at first.
That's okay — you're building a new skill. As you get used to letting anxiety be there without fighting it, you'll likely find that it's much less harmful than it seemed. You may even notice it eases on its own. But that's a side effect, not the goal.
Dropping the struggle doesn't mean giving up. It means putting your energy into what matters to you, instead of into a fight you can't win.
You have less control than you think
It also helps to know that we have much less control over our thoughts and feelings than we think. A lot of what we think and feel happens automatically. You can have thoughts that are irrational or strange, and you can dislike them, but there they are anyway. I wrote more about this in The Myth of Controlling Our Thoughts and Emotions.
If you're already seeing a counselor and this idea interests you, bring it up with them. And if you're looking for someone to work with, I'd be glad to talk — you can reach me through the contact page.
