The Myth of Controlling Our Thoughts and Emotions

There's a popular idea in our culture that we should only have certain kinds of thoughts and feelings — the "healthy" ones. So if we have "unhealthy" thoughts and feelings, we must be doing something wrong. Or so we're led to believe.

What counts as "unhealthy"? For a lot of people, it's anything other than pleasant, happy thoughts and feelings. Fear, anger, sadness, guilt, and grief get labeled "negative." So do thoughts about failure, loss, or pain.

The problem is that all of us have these thoughts and feelings, often many times a day. So we end up feeling guilty or frustrated that we keep having them.

What many people do is try to avoid "negative" thoughts and feelings altogether. That makes sense, but it can limit your life in big ways.

Take a young man with social anxiety. When he's out in public, he feels very anxious and has insecure thoughts about himself. So he stops going out and turns down every invitation from his friends. Problem solved? He has avoided the anxiety, but at the cost of his social life.

Another way we try to control our thoughts and feelings is with distraction: TV, social media, sleeping too much, exercising too much. Some people turn to food, drugs, or alcohol to change how they feel. All of these are attempts to control what we think and feel, and at best they work for a little while.

Is it even possible to fully control our thoughts and feelings? Let's find out.

Think of the first thing you ate today. Got it? Now delete that memory. Make it so you can't remember what you ate, when you ate it, or where. Can you do it? I'm guessing you can't. I know I can't.

Here's another one. What if I offered you 10 million dollars to fall in love with someone I choose? You don't have to kiss them or go on a date. You just have to develop real, deep feelings of love for them. Could you do it? You'd probably try hard — that's a lot of money — and you'd probably get frustrated, because you can't force yourself to love someone.

These examples show that it's nearly impossible to take full control of our thoughts and feelings. When we try, we're fighting a battle we can't win.

So what's the alternative? Acceptance. One way to think of it is willingness: being willing to have distressing thoughts and feelings, even when they're unpleasant.

Start by getting clear on what matters to you, and act in line with it. Along the way, you'll bump into thoughts and feelings that are distressing, or that some people would call "negative." Be willing to have them, and see them as normal and harmless. Notice them, make room for them, and keep moving toward what you've chosen — instead of living in reaction to whatever you think and feel.

So the next time "negative" thoughts and feelings show up, notice them, be willing to have them, and turn your attention to what you want to do. For more on why fighting your thoughts tends to backfire, see Why Fighting Anxiety Backfires, and What Actually Helps.