When something feels unfair, many of us get angry or resentful, and we blame other people or ourselves. That can cloud our judgment and pull us into a spiral of more upsetting thoughts and feelings. Often, what we're upset about is completely out of our control.
Here's an example. A young woman named Katie is driving to work, confident she'll arrive early enough to prepare for an important meeting. What she doesn't know is that there's a big traffic jam five miles ahead, and it will delay her at least 15 minutes. That's an unfortunate turn of events.
What radical acceptance is
Radical acceptance is a skill that comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and it's closely related to the acceptance work I do in ACT. As the name suggests, it's about accepting things as they are right now, even when they seem unacceptable. When something is unfair, you choose to accept it and look at it without judgment.
That doesn't mean you agree with what happened, or that you approve of it. You accept it because, in a practical sense, there may not be much else you can do.
Back to Katie, now stuck in traffic. Her first reaction was anger — she even slammed her fists on the steering wheel when she saw the traffic. Now she decides to practice radical acceptance. She tells herself, "This is the way it has to be," and "I can't change what has already happened." She even accepts her angry reaction, instead of feeling guilty about it. She simply notices the moment as it is, without trying to change it or complain about it.
How to practice it
This takes practice. If you'd like to try it, start by choosing a short statement to remind yourself of the idea. A few examples:
"All the events have led up to now."
"I can't change what's already happened."
"Fighting the past only blinds me to my present."
"This is how it is right now, even if I don't like it."
Or come up with your own, one that fits you better.
Start with situations that are only mildly inconvenient: a work meeting, helping your child with a school project, or a chore you'd rather skip. Remind yourself of your intention to stay present and non-judgmental, and simply notice the moment as it is. You can say your statement to yourself as a reminder.
Accepting a situation doesn't mean you stop trying to make things better. It means you stop fighting what has already happened, so you have more energy for what you can do next.
Practicing radical acceptance during stressful moments can be hard, but it's worth it. Many people find they have more energy for what's in front of them, instead of spending it on being upset.
