5 Ways to Succeed in Dating

For people with social anxiety, dating can feel daunting. What's supposed to be enjoyable can turn into something you dread. The challenge is that dating is, at its core, a social experience. It's also an evaluative one: your date may be deciding whether they want to see you again. Both of these can fuel social anxiety.

Here are five ideas to help you approach dating with more ease — and maybe even enjoy it.

When you think about approaching someone you're attracted to, do you worry about saying "the right thing" to start a conversation, or to keep it going? In reality, there are many good ways to start or carry a conversation. When you talk with a close friend or family member, you probably don't worry about saying exactly the right thing. In dating, too, it's better to say something — even if it's not the perfect topic — than to overthink it and say nothing.

People with social anxiety tend to be very self-critical, and they often assume others will judge them just as harshly. That's not necessarily true. We all see people differently, and plenty of people likely see you in a more positive light than you see yourself.

Here's an exercise to try. Sit somewhere quiet for several minutes and close your eyes. Picture your thoughts coming and going, like clouds moving across the sky or leaves floating down a stream. Just watch them, without getting caught up in them. Remember: thoughts aren't facts, and they don't always need to be believed.

When many people think about dating, what comes to mind first are all the things that could go wrong, along with their own self-criticism. That doesn't make it any easier to go talk to someone.

Think about how you'd encourage a friend who wanted to ask someone out. You can offer yourself the same kind of support. You don't have to get rid of the self-critical thoughts first; they can be there while you also remember a few other things. Think back to good dating experiences you've had, or times you met someone new and hit it off. Remember times people told you that you were kind, funny, or attractive. Those things are true, too.

Planning and problem solving have their place, but overdoing them can drive your anxiety up. People with social anxiety are often good at analyzing (although sometimes in a distorted way), but they can have a hard time just being in the moment. During a conversation, you might find yourself worrying about what to say next, or how you're coming across.

Try this: during a conversation with a friend or family member, put all your attention on the other person — their face, the sound of their voice, or something else you notice. Trust that you'll know what to say. When your mind wanders back to yourself, gently bring your attention back to the other person. Once you've practiced this a few times, try it on a date.

It's natural to treat dating as a big deal, where things going badly would be embarrassing or upsetting. But you get to choose how you approach it. You can think of dating as an experiment: something you try, just to see what happens. Whatever happens isn't a verdict on who you are — it's information you can learn from.

If social anxiety is keeping you from dating, or from other things you care about, counseling can help. You can reach me through the contact page.