In a previous article, Healthy vs. Unhealthy Worry, I described the difference between worry that helps and worry that doesn't. But one thing I hear a lot from clients is, "I know my worrying isn't helping. I just can't stop. How do I stop it?" This article is about what you can do when that's where you are.
Worries are just thoughts
The first idea isn't a technique; it's a way of looking at worry. It's easy to read too much into our worries and make them a bigger deal than they are. Sometimes anxiety does help us prepare for a hard situation. But a lot of worry is just repetitive, and it doesn't go anywhere.
Don't take that personally — everyone's mind does it. We all have insecurities and worries that pop up here and there. Those worries don't mean you're in danger, and the worries themselves can't hurt you.
Stop struggling with your worries
If worrying is normal, if everyone does it, and if worries can't hurt you, then maybe it's fine to let them be there.
Ask yourself: how much energy are you spending fighting your worries? How much time do you spend worrying about your worrying? Often the easier — and more effective — approach is to let the worries be there and drop the struggle with them.
If you'd like something more active to practice, here are two ideas.
Become a thought observer
Have you ever watched a nature documentary where wildlife researchers follow lions on the hunt? They don't step in, and they don't judge. You'd never hear one say, "That lion is awful for what he's doing!" They just watch and record what happens.
You can do the same with your thoughts. Sit in a quiet room for about five minutes and close your eyes. Put all your attention on whatever thoughts come up: words, images, memories, or even blank space. There's no right or wrong thing to think. You're just observing, with openness and curiosity.
Unhook yourself from your worries
Try adding a few words to the beginning of a worry. Instead of "My partner is getting tired of me and is going to leave me eventually," say, "I'm experiencing the worry that my partner is getting tired of me and may leave me eventually."
It's a small change, but it puts a little distance between you and the worry. The added words remind you that the worry isn't necessarily true, and it may not be a real threat. So it may not be something you need to dwell on or fix. You can let it come and go.
You may have noticed that nothing here is a way to stop worrying. That's because as long as you have a healthy, working mind, being completely worry-free isn't possible. What you can change is how you respond to your worries — and that leaves you free to live a full life, whatever worries come up.
If worry is taking up more of your life than you'd like, I'd be glad to talk with you. You can reach me through the contact page.
